Parenting is a life-long process, 24/7/365. It's arduous work. Which is why one would think I'd be happy to relinquish the parenting of other children to THEIR actual parents. But the hazard of never clocking out of my job as mother (especially the disciplinarian part) is I sometimes feel the need to discipline everyone, even adults. I've corrected my dad for his unreasonable impatience or condescending tone. I've called strangers out on rude behavior. I barked at a bunch of kids trying to kick in a locked playground gate (while their mother sat and watched.) And I even reprimanded a mother who didn't think her son should apologize for hurting my son (it was a serious knock to the head, not just a little push.) I'm kind of out of control. Clearly this is the effect of all tolerance and patience having been exhausted by my own misbehaving kids.
One of the more delicate parts of this persistent parenting is disciplining our kids' friends. For our closest family friends, co-parenting is expected, encouraged and respected. Our children are learning to respect the rules of other families from adults who have the same basic parenting style (and end goal) that we do. We know these people genuinely love our kids (as we love theirs) and their discipline comes from that love. We will back them up and not make excuses for our children. I've learned a lot about who I want my kids to be and how to be a better parent from this openness.
On the other hand, today I disciplined a neighbor friend in front of her dad, because I knew playing the conflict out according to the rules of our family would help my own child work quickly through the foreseen squabble and meltdown to a peaceful resolution. The friend would need to say sorry and my son could forgive, and I knew we'd save a half hour of crying over a lost ROCK. But I didn't account for the friend's feelings (she was obviously upset for being called out) and I definitely feel like I overstepped my bounds doing all of this with her dad standing right next to me. I believe an apology is on my agenda tomorrow afternoon...
Things can get messy with families that we interact with regularly, but with whom we have not established mutual parenting boundaries. I have no problem asking a child who is playing in my home to follow "The House Rules" when their parents aren't there, but when they are, is it overstepping my bounds? Am I telling that adult that I don't respect their parenting or I don't like their child? Is it better to go to the parent first and have them correct the child? That feels more like tattling. Do you let the behavior go? Bending the house rules for friends can seem awfully unfair to young kids, and it's not a precedent I want to set. And what does that teach my kids about holding their own friends accountable to certain standards when adults aren't around with the rule book?
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That's a hard one. I generally follow the rule of if a parent is right there then I keep my mouth shut and work on helping my kids work through it. My job as a parent isn't always to keep things fair or safe or gentle but to prepare them for life which is anything but fair or safe or gentle. I'm a big believer in kindness no matter what and trying to talk about why kids act the way they do. Are they sad? Are they struggling somewhere? And then we pray and pray some more and hopefully it works out. I'll get back to you:)
ReplyDeleteI think that's my problem. It's easier to operate by rules for me, and expect that from others, than to have compassion and give grace. I love justice and have to try really really hard to love mercy. Daniel is definitely wired that way, too, so I knew calling out his friend would keep him from having a huge meltdown. Teaching your kids to get to the heart of someone's behavior is great. I need to learn that myself.
ReplyDeleteYour 2nd to last paragraph highlights the issue, accounting for all people involved. My rule of thumb that I work off of is to include the other parent(s) before I take on the action, then at least they as well as I have a chance to be on the same page as to what I want to do or action I'd like to take.
ReplyDeleteThe other parent can then chime in to their child and help support the action, at least that's my take on it, parenting is like heading cats most times